Knitting blog and general musings about fandom

I've started a knitting blog!
https://melsgothicknits.wordpress.com/

Currently going through past projects and writing about how I did them. Not terribly exciting I suppose but it's reasonably entertaining for me. Hoping to put up patterns as I make them on there too. I'm not sure if it's any more useful than my ravelry page but will see how it goes.

I'm feeling a bit better for the fb break. Still seeing some community posts and using it for messages. Definitely not getting as upset by things as I was. Though I did see a ridiculous tweet this morning. With Twitter I just look at it till something annoying happens and then I stop. At least apart from the one queer women characters thing people don't tend to go off as much there.

Have another play date with Manning tonight. One of the things that really put me off facebook was a couple weeks ago when I posted that I was seeing her, and someone asked which play so I said. Then one of my "friends" clearly told their "friends" who were going that she was going to be there as they turned up with photos of Jo and trading cards they wanted her to sign. I mean obviously someone had said something to them cause who just wanders around London theatres with photos of companions (who aren't in the play you are seeing). It wouldn't have been so bad but poor Katy couldn't breath she was SO sick and trying to get out for fresh air, and these "fans" could obviously see how sick she was, and still had to jump in and get a couple autographs each. Pissed me off that they had no regard for her as a human at all. But hopefully she'll be feeling better tonight.

I have the con this weekend, and I'm not hugely looking forward to it. The "fans" just have me so depressed right now. I'm mostly looking forward to seeing Anneke, but with Matt's birthday that weekend I'm not sure she'll be around for drinking in the evenings. But it's been almost a year since I saw her last and I just miss her soft energy and basking in that light. I just feel like I'll spend the evenings sitting being bored looking for her, as I did Daphne the year before. Still Katy said I should hang out with her and Stu on the Saturday and Lalla will be there Sunday so hoping there'll be another nice knitting chat with her. But I just got tired seeing people post about their "who family" which didn't include me. I have been excluded by my real family I don't need to come into fandom to have the same thing happen. But at least I should be able to get lots of knitting done. And there are a few friends going I'm looking forward to seeing. Just after utopia I guess I just have a hard time trusting any of them. Time Lash will be much better, even if a bit more lonely!

Depression

"The disconect because that's what it was a viewing of a set pf circumstances that I was immersed in that had nothing to do with what was truly happening and only to do with what I interpreted was happening. It was baggage and it was old baggage at that."...

So the depression from last year has returned (in a milder form) the past couple months. The anniversary of Floyd's death was really hard. Having a new job I love has helped but everything has seemed harder. Bill's reluctance to get a new cat has just made everything seem emptier. There are more things that just annoy me, and less that makes me happy. Knitting is good. Plays are good. I am at least enjoying the gym. But fandom not really.

I was listening to Ron's autobiography again at lunchtime. This is my third time through it. When I met him (still squee) we had a fantastic conversation about it. But I got to the part where he was talking about his 2nd bout of depression after Beauty and the Beast ended and his therapy in the 90s and I always find that part so helpful. This time what got me was the start of the new thing in your life post-midlife crisis and finding your authentic self. Which I realised is at the core of how I'm feeling right now. The last decade and a half I've been really working on that. Finding and being and doing all the things that are most important to me. Letting that which doesn't matter slide, getting rid of the negative people who don't appreciate me. It felt like things had been going well, and then having fantom turn on me was a big blow to that. You live as your authentic self and suddenly people that used to like that, now find that repulsive and annoying. It makes you start to doubt yourself. The creeping self esteem issues creep back. It makes you start to doubt the good things that are happening and the good people that do still like you. Because the negative voice is always louder and easier to hear. But just cause it's louder doesn't make it right. Everyone doesn't need to like you. The only thing that matters is that you like yourself. That you do the things that matter to you. And appreciate the people that *do* like you for that. Don't worry about trying to convert those that don't matter to your cause. Let them go and hold those that matter closer instead. Try and find some peace with them.

I guess I didn't realise how much it had affected me till now. But once again Ron struck a nerve. I had so much love from Floyd that I'm missing. That huge wad of unconditional love and acceptance all the time. That followed by rejection definitely triggered past issues. Hopefully now I've recognised it I can start to move forward again, paying attention to the things that are important. I mean I'm going out with Katy for the 2nd time in two weeks! Someone really likes my company. So I can't be that bad.